TOP TEN TUESDAY | BOOKS THAT TAUGHT ME SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE

I’m not, as those of you who know me will already know, big on romance. I don’t believe in the power of flowers to right a wrong, I’ll eat chocolates if they’re given to me but don’t really get the point of boxes of them that are half the gross fruity ones no one wants to eat, and romantic dinners generally seem like way too much effort and calories. I don’t have a problem with others enjoying these things, but for me, they don’t do the trick. What I want from love is loyalty, truth, and something enduring. I believe, from my own experience, that sometimes learning to love someone with your whole being is more important than whether that love is returned or whether the relationship lasts. That sometimes love means being vulnerable even if it hurts or is uncomfortable. That it can still exist where there is disagreement and frustration. That it isn’t contingent on certain behaviours or compatibilities. That it can take different forms and be just as valid. That it doesn’t always make sense. That sometimes you just love who you love, even if it doesn’t seem like the best idea on paper. That it is, at the end of the day, just love.

Valentine’s Day, therefore, feels like a fairly empty consumer event to me, but I know that, particularly this year, sometimes you just need something to remind you to focus on the good feelings. I know this year has taught me to remember the love I have for people in my life (and those who used to be in it that I still love). It has taught me to reach out more, to say the words more, to feel it more. I’m all for any excuse to remember to appreciate the people we love, and I’m all for celebrating love. So if Valentine’s Day is a reason to do that, cool.

I don’t go in for traditional romance books, but I do have some books that either taught me something about the forms love takes, what it looks like or how it manifests. And others that just gave me some warm fuzzies. Here are a few of those:

     

These books were favourites from my YA reading (along with Eleanor & Park and The Fault In Our Stars, both listed below). When I was a teenager there weren’t any books about gay relationships (or any other form of queer identities) for kids or young adults. So to find these as an adult was to fill a gap in my reading that I didn’t even really know was there. I think my own life might have been different had there been books like this back when I was in high school. I think it would have opened up a world of possibilities I never knew to look for. And I hope that these books help today’s young adults feel like they can be whoever they are and that there’s love for them in the world no matter what.

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From these three I learned about the gift of finding someone outside your family to love you when the love you need isn’t found at home. Park and Miss Honey are two of my favourite literary characters, in no small part because they were able to see something special in someone who had been overlooked by the very people who were supposed to love them without fail. The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry is about finding home and family in a bookstore, which I think is a fantasy everyone here can get behind!

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These two books both discuss racism, but in different ways. The first is, of course, a classic. Baldwin’s book is written to his nephew, and expresses such love for him and a desire that he will find a way to love even in a world that would try to tear him down. Baldwin talks about racism with such understanding, forgiveness and empathy that it feels like he has found a way to at least try to love everyone, regardless of their foibles and frailties. Which is no easy feat. Jacob’s book talks about the racism she encounters, and how that impacts her experiences of parenting a bi-racial child, something I cannot even begin to imagine. I have found that becoming a parent showed me a type of love I never could have imagined. But that kind of love comes with an edge of fear and desperation, a desire to protect your children accompanied by the knowledge that you won’t be able to. That fear must be so much more intense for People of Colour living in America (or in many other parts of the world, unfortunately). They know what their children will have to deal with, and they also know they can’t fix it. I try to imagine what that must be like, and I can’t. It’s too difficult, and too terrifying. This book gave me a glimpse into that experience, but also taught me that there is such strength in having enough hope to still become a parent, even knowing what that will mean. To believe that you can raise a child strong enough to stand up under that weight, and that your love will be enough even when it isn’t.

     

Both of these books deal with the intersection of love and illness. The Fault In Our Stars, as I’m sure you all know by now, is about two kids who have (or had) cancer who meet at a support group and fall in love. Their relationship is so brave and real that it made me feel all the feels. There’s humour here, and there’s pain. But it is underpinned with love – between the protagonists, between them and their friends and their families – and that is the feeling that stuck with me long after finishing the book. It outweighed the sadness, and it made it worthwhile. My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward is about mental illness rather than physical. It’s not the same, but it does test the boundaries of love. It challenges our perceptions of what a relationship can withstand, and of what people who truly love each other can endure. It is heartrending, but also beautiful, and it’s one of the books I’m most grateful to have discovered in recent years. My mental health issues are not as severe as those discussed here, but they have still wreaked havoc on all aspects of my life. This book gave me hope that people like me might still be worth loving, despite our significant down sides. Both of these books teach that just because love can end in pain or mean living with it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

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These two books are about big, chaotic, crazy families. They’re humourous, ridiculous, definitely infuriating at times, but nevertheless you can see the love that ties them together, no matter how much they may hate each other a lot of the time. I was an only child who grew up without extended family, so I’m always fascinated by books that allow me to see what it might have been like to grow up in a hectic, large family. These books are the best I’ve found!

Okay, that’s it for me! I hope you guys have found some great books that give you the warm and fuzzies for this time of year (and maybe even find something here that piques your curiosity!). If you have books that helped you learn about love or feel it, even if it’s not traditional Valentine’s romance, feel free to drop those recommendations in the comments! And Happy VD to you all! (Sorry, had to.)

Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly link-up feature created by The Broke and the Bookish and hosted by Jana at That Artsy Reader Girl. Every week TTT has a different topic, and everyone who links up has to create a link of ten items that fit that topic. To see past and upcoming topics, go here.