This week’s entry is a bit late because our internet was down and then… life. But here it is:
Welcome to 2021 with zero bells on. Speaking for myself and my immediate family, the only humans with whom I have had any contact in so long I don’t really remember what other people look or sound like. This post topic implies that this is like any other new year – full of hopes and dreams, petty insecurities and empty promises to give up everything that makes life even remotely pleasant. This year is, as I’m sure you can all agree, a bit different. Which makes this post both harder and easier. Harder because the stark contrast between how this new year feels (bleak, desperate, hopeless) and any other year (is this the year I finally find the meaning of life? Fit into my jeans from high school? Discover some crazy untapped skill for breakdancing/singing/art/poetry?) is impossible to ignore. Easier because what do I hope for this year? One thing. To still be here at the end of it. I will say one thing for this COVID mess – it has put things into very sharp perspective. With all the medical issues I have, COVID isn’t some kind of removed possible threat. It feels like a whole troupe of nasty serial killers who usually work alone have teamed up and are waiting outside my house for the day I’m stupid enough to leave it, and then their fun will begin. Yeah, I know, that’s a pretty unpleasant visual. But it’s where I’m at. So I’m not really sure where to go from there. I guess there are a few things that, should I make it to the end of this year, it might be nice to have done. Here are the ones that come to mind:
Make my kid laugh every day. Because it is the most beautiful sound in the entire universe, and if everyone could hear it I’m fairly certain no one would be angry enough to start any more wars.
Find some inner calm. It’s always been hard to come by, but obviously it’s a little trickier now. We’re all shielding because of various medical issues in the family, so I’m parent/friend/playmate/teacher for my kid, which is wonderful, but can lead to some frustration – on both sides. I want to keep working on those deep breaths, on reminding myself that this must feel interminable to kids, on considering how hard they are working to deal with being alone except for us, and on how much they rely on us to make that okay for them. I want to work on finding a little more when I feel like I have nothing left.
See my family. If I do make it through this and we get vaccinated and can actually begin to move around a bit more in the outside world, I desperately want to see my parents. I’ve only seen my mom by video twice since this began and not at all in person, and though I can see my Dad by video, I have only seen him once in person and couldn’t hug him or spend more than a couple of hours with him. I miss them both more than I ever thought possible, and I cannot wait until I can hug them. I may never ever let go again, which will be awkward and inconvenient for everyone.
Find joy in every day. Even if it’s just watching my kid discover something new, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time, it’s there. I just need to keep looking for it.
Try to keep reading. It’s been hard the past few months to find any energy at all for reading. Until Life In Pieces (excellent), I hadn’t finished any books in weeks. So I want to try and get back into the swing of things, preferably before I need to start reading for the BookTube Prize so I will have a chance at having read at least one of the books on the list before then!
Do the BookTube Prize. Right now I feel quite defeated and the idea seems a bit too much. But I know how much it helped me last year to have manageable, measurable tasks and goals, and how good it felt to have completed something that I could feel proud of and that made me part of something. So I know it will be worth doing again, even if it feels daunting now. I just hope I don’t get The Mirror and the Light in my group because I haven’t read any of the other books that come before it, and they are all HUGE.
Get vaccinated. As soon as possible. I’m scared, of course, but after some really good conversations with my doctor, I have come to the conclusion that, particularly for someone like me, the risks of contracting COVID are far greater than any risks of a new vaccine with a speedy roll-out. I further researched it and discovered a few things that helped me feel better about it. While the length of testing was shortened, it wasn’t shortened by cutting corners. Instead multiple steps were consolidated or run side by side, making the process more efficient but just as rigorous (with the obvious exception of long-term data, but there isn’t usually that much long-term for any vaccine in early use). I also learned that after the first shot (though I’m not sure how long after) up to 92% immunity develops. The second dose boosts that and creates stronger long-term immunity. But even that first shot makes a huge difference. On top of all that, there are a lot of people who can’t get vaccinated (they’re allergic to vaccinations, they have underlying medical conditions that haven’t been tested, or they’re not in the age group it’s approved for – like children). The more of us who get vaccinated who can, the sooner this virus will stop circulating as widely and quickly in our communities, the lower their chance of getting sick, and the safer we all are. It’s definitely still a big deal, but I’m really hoping that most people will decide to get vaccinated in the next year. I certainly will!
Try not to let other people’s negativity drag me down too much. Spending so much time dwelling on the things that suck isn’t great under normal circumstances, but at the moment there is just so much bad if you’re looking at it. I want to tune out the people who decide that’s all there is to life, even if they’re people close to me. I can’t be dealing with that anymore. I choose to look for good, even if it’s harder to find.
Well, that’s not ten, exactly, but probably enough to be getting on with. I’ll be back tomorrow with the next TTT!
Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly link-up feature created by The Broke and the Bookish and hosted by Jana at That Artsy Reader Girl. Every week TTT has a different topic, and everyone who links up has to create a link of ten items that fit that topic. To see past and upcoming topics, go here.
Covid has definitely made the concept of “new Year’s resolutions” hit differently. It’s frustrating that so many people won’t take it seriously and keep endangering other people. I’m trying to stay optimistic though and look ahead to a time when vaccines and other measures have gotten us to a place of safety. Now that we have real leadership back in place here in the US I think the prognosis is much better for us to start making progress, it was hella grim there for a while.
I am so frustrated by the willful ignorance that seems to be circulating – about the election, about COVID, about racism… just so many things that need to be acknowledged, addressed and acted on. I don’t understand how you can just decide a worldwide pandemic is a hoax, and even if you weren’t sure, why not just take some precautions in case you’re wrong? To save lives? I dunno, man. I feel like this has really unearthed a dark side to humanity that was already there, of course, but that can no longer be seen as just a small fringe group. It’s mainstream, and it’s terrifying. I hope that things are going to start turning around now that there’s an actual adult in charge, but I feel like some of this is here to stay, even if it won’t have the same megaphone. It makes me sad for people and worried for the future of our planet. But I am happy that hopefully things will be a bit safer for my friends in the US and with vaccine rollout speeding up there one of my friends has already been vaccinated, and I’m hoping more will be soon (you and your family, of course!). We just have to keep going, keep doing our part and try to stay calm. Nothing is forever, even the shit times!