Hmmm. Well I feel like I kind of touched on this in last week’s post, and mentioned how much I dislike this question in job interviews! I don’t like it much better here, but I’ll give it a go.
I have a lot of flaws, like anyone. I can have a quick temper (though I also cool down quickly), I can be snarky and impatient, I don’t like dumbing things down or slowing down my thought process to explain it to people, I am not good at waiting my turn (this has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and my memory isn’t as good – it’s harder to wait for my turn to talk when I’m worried I won’t remember what I wanted to say), I have anxiety which affects everyone around me, I eat too much chocolate and I am stubborn as hell. I have no idea which of these things is the worst, and it’s definitely not a full list either. Probably depends on the day and who you ask. Some of these things I am trying to work on, some I’m able to make a difference to, others not so much. The flaw that affects me the most, however, is not in my character – it’s in my genes. I have multiple debilitating medical issues, and living with them makes me a crappier person. It’s hard to be patient when you’re in pain. It’s hard to slow down when you’re on meds that speed you up. It’s hard to let go of fear when you can’t breathe. So yeah, I guess that is my biggest flaw – that my medical issues make me a worse person, and so far I haven’t been able to fix that. There are so many people living with (or dying from) much worse medical conditions than I have who manage to tolerate their circumstances with grace and resilience. I wish I was one of those people.
There’s not much I can do about that worst flaw on my list, as much as I wish I could. So I try to do what I can to slowly work on trying to improve what I can, apologize when my flaws impact someone else, and mostly am working on seeing the good as well as the bad and accepting that I’ll never be able to fix myself. I’m human, after all. My biggest hope is that I’ll get to a point where I’ll be able to accept that I won’t be here for as long as I’d like, and stop fighting that. Focus on the time I do have. Stop feeling so mad and sad about all the things I can’t do anymore, and try to either find ways to do them or find new things to focus on that I can do. Basically, I’d like to just get over myself.
This isn’t a particularly upbeat post – this taps into a lot of what I’m struggling with the most at the moment, exacerbated by the pandemic, as for everyone. I can block a lot of it out when I’m with my kid, or when I’m distracted. Unfortunately, there are plenty of quiet moments in the day when my mind can wander. Where it wanders is another of the things I’m working on!
What about you guys? Are any of my flaws familiar?
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I feel you on the anxiety! I’m trying to retrain my brain to not immediately run off to the races of everything bad that could happen, but it’s definitely a process.
Yeah, it’s hard to learn how to quiet that down, particularly since the times when you need it most are usually when you have the least control. Mindfulness helps a bit, learning to focus on what you’re doing here and now purposefully eventually becomes something you do without having to focus on it so much. But yeah, it’s a process!
I worked with a guy who always said you never know what’s going on in someone’s life, so try not to take people’s behavior personally. It’s true. No one really knows what’s going on in anyone’s life or what they’re dealing with.
Yeah, it’s true, and I also think that the same situation feels different for every person so even if you’ve been through something similar, there’s still room for each person’s experience being different.
I can relate on the medical issues. I have a number of chronic conditions which are manageable, but annoying.
Yeah, it’s a heavy burden for sure. I’m glad to hear they are manageable. Better annoying and manageable than the alternative! It’s particularly hard when you have a few, especially when treatment for one impacts another etc. I hope you’re able to stay healthy and safe given the current situation!
The pandemic has exacerbated so much. I understand. It’s hard when there are things you want to change, but the world/times/situation won’t let you. ((Hugs))
Exactly! Well put. I definitely think the pandemic has been a bit of a crucible for all of us. We’ve had to face some of our issues because we’re spending so much time with ourselves, so they’re hard to ignore! We’re also all learning how we deal in a true crisis, which isn’t something everyone has experienced before. It’s hard, and scary, but I’m really hoping that when we get through this, a lot of us will come out of it with some new coping skills, a better sense of what we’re truly capable of, and a greater appreciation of the things we used to take for granted (remember buses? Restaurants? movie theatres???). Thanks for stopping by, and hugs right back atcha!
Well, I can relate to the chocolate. I eat way too much of it even though I know I don’t need it.
It can be hard to be pleasant on the outside when you are facing such challenging medical issues. Sometimes, I think people have sort of a TV drama impression of illness-where someone is supposed to always be happy and soldier on to be an example for others. You can be forgiving of yourself.
Don’t you though? Some days I feel like it is only because of chocolate that I even exist! 😉
Thanks. I agree, there is a tendency to feel like people with chronic illness and pain should learn how to be all wise and tolerant about it. There’s also a thing where people who have never experienced it… it’s not like they don’t care, exactly. They do. But because it’s not immediate to them, they’re able to very quickly push it away, sometimes even avoiding dealing with a person who has those challenges because they don’t want to confront how it makes them feel. There’s very much a “it’s happening…. but so far over there that it really doesn’t affect me” thing. I used to be the same way. But when you’re living it it becomes the whole world that you can see. It can be hard to communicate across that gap, I find. Thank you for the kind words – I try, but I do want to figure out how to deal with it better since it’s not a temporary situation!
Yes, it’s definitely harder to be patient when you’re in pain. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
My post: http://lydiaschoch.com/wednesday-weekly-blogging-challenge-my-greatest-weakness/
It is, but at the same time it does provide perspective and opportunities for learning, so there’s that! Okay, so it just sucks. But that’s life!